intimacy coordinators in the news

gwyneth paltrow dislikes intimacy coordinators?

this article is a bit of old news by now but it’s been living rent free in my head since march so let’s take a minute to read what an ic has to say about it.

there’s so much going on in her short statement. has she been conditioned to be compliant no matter what after such a long career? is she just one of those performers who is truly more comfortable working in that old school way? Is she even aware of the power imbalance and dynamics thst come with being a performer?

And one question that I haven’t seen addressed when walking about article, did timothee have an opportunity to freely voice his needs? because paltrow herself would have a level of power in that dynamic and the interview makes it sound as though she spoke for both of them.

when you add in the history of #metoo and Paltrow’s experience with w**nstein, it stands as the perfect example of why ic’s are so important.

education and stigma busting is a big part of what ic’s do and it’s not just about the scenes or content. it’s about making sure performers, directors, producers, etc. understand why intimacy coordinators are so important and just how much more to our jobs there is, than simply being the fun police.

hopefully moving forward paltrow will have a chance to work with an ic who is a better fit.

alice oops has some perfect responses to paltrow’s statement and the article is well worth a read if you’re still unsure about intimacy coordinators.

@cummanifesto

https://allieoops.com/

safe*R* spaces for creatives

safe spaces? Maybe. maybe not?

we’ve all heard it before. this is a “safe space” said with conviction and determination as though simply giving voice to those words is all that’s needed to ensure everyone’s safety. all the time. forever.

and really, there’s nothing wrong with the urge to create spaces where everyone is as safe as possible to be, or do, as they want.

a safe space is built in any number of different ways. generally, the basis for “safe spaces” include an agreed upon set of boundaries and rules, are trauma and/or harm reduction informed, and consent focused. often times these spaces can be geared to specific groups, many also ensure that members are educated and informed on relevant issues.

and sometimes the phrase “safe spaces” is just thrown around without much work put into ensuring that all involved are aware of what that means. if or when anyone makes a mistake, grace and education can disappear. That’s not a safe space. that’s using language that should provide some amount of security for everyone to exclude those who aren’t part of the in-group.

Which, in case it’s not clear. a major pet-peeve of mine. ugh. so frustrating.

safe spaces aren’t really — real…

the concept, and the goal, is honourable. often necessary. but safe spaces are rarely the reality as much as we may want them to be.

bummer. I know.

But the fact is, it’s virtually impossible to ensure that a space is 100% safe, 100% of the time.

There are a number of reasons why “safe spaces” are a lovely lie we tell ourselves.

they have to do with imbalances of information and education, a lack of clear and agreed upon rules or boundaries, poor conflict management, the very messy nuanced reality of consent, and the one major barrier to any of our best intentions…. the simple fact that humans have yet to master the fine art of mind control.

information and education

not everyone has access to the same information and education.

yes the internet exists, and yes, it’s really up to each individual to keep themselves informed. but frankly, if safety is predicated on each individual knowing exactly the same things as everyone else, then we’re creating barriers to anyone who is new to the space, or has limited access to resources due to any number of reasons like disability or neurodivergence, access to reliable internet, space to get informed without other people or responsibilities getting in the way, etc, etc, etc….

if we’re Not ensuring that we are including the relevant information or education to all members we’re leaving holes where people are likely to make mistakes or even be made to feel bad for entirely reasonable gaps in their information.

rules and boundaries

rules and boundaries are closely related to information and education. a safe space can’t exist if everyone isn’t informed of the do’s and don’t’s. mistakes happen, but most can be avoided if everyone is aware of what is accepted within the space.

providing this info to members isn’t difficult, and should always be a part of building any kind of “safe space”. but this is often overlooked. and often, if the rules and boundaries aren’t clearly expressed, it’s likely that managing those issues will not be handled in ways that ensures that anyone harmed is supported. often those who made the mistake are not educated or called-in, but cancelled or called out.

poor conflict management

when mistakes are made or people lack information/education a safe space should provide time, resources, and space- for people to learn and do better. it’s simply not a safe space if people aren’t able to make mistakes.

and when we punish people for being human instead of providing them with the grace and support every person deserves, we ensure that more people are harmed instead of supported.

managing conflicts or mistakes is complicated and requires those in positions of power to also be informed on how to balance a constructive impact on all involved while ensuring that any potentially serious harm is dealt with appropriately.

If those in power don’t have those skills, then the “safe space” is really only for those who never make mistakes.

can anyone actually claim they’ve never made a mistake?

consent. again.

who decides what consent looks like? who decides what a violation of consent looks like? how do we handle these issues if they arise? how do we clearly share the agreed upon definition of consent to everyone? how do we enforce that definition? what happens if consent is violated? ……. you get the point.

these conversations are required for a safe space. but even more important, these conversations must be ongoing and fluid enough to ensure that all the messy, complicated, nuances of consent are acknowledged and addressed as much as possible.

there’s just one major catch.

mind control isn’t a thing

even when you take into account all of these issues, a for-really-really-real “safe space” is just not for-really-really-real.

It’s an illusion based on the hope that at all times every single person will always fall in line no matter what. It’s a comforting lie, but it’s a lie resting on one major flaw.

humans are unpredictable and entirely autonomous and we can not control every person’s actions every second of the day.

as long as humans have free will and the ability to act on that free will, anything can happen.

“safe spaces” don’t so much support everyone as much as they subversively coerce people into the in-group accepted behaviour. that’s a clique not a space based on mutual support and care.

which, if that’s what you’re looking for, then cool. but that’s not a safe space.

until we are all living in a universe where mind control is a thing, our spaces are never entirely safe.

actually, that’s ok, we’re building safer spaces anyway

what’s the difference?

when building safer spaces we take the time to acknowledge that there are things beyond out control and ensure that there are supports and resources in place to address any potential issues that may arise. this means that everyone is working together to maintain as much safety as possible.

this is just the beginning. safer spaces require so much more, depending on many variables. But when you start with ensuring that boundaries and rules are clearly shared, information and education provided to all, that those in power have the skills to manage conflict in ways that uplift everyone, and that conversations around consent are ongoing, fluid, and embrace the messiness.

safer spaces for creatives

safer spaces for creatives don’t rely on repeating “this is a safe space” but the continuous work to make sure everyone is is supported, heard, and able to do their work free from judgment.

an ic can facilitate safer spaces by taking the time to clarify the goals and difference between safe and safer spaces. Addressing the fact that much of what we do when collaborating on spicy scenes can be uncomfortable, awkward, or even scary, and that consent can still exist even if it’s not 100% enthusiastic.

When performers know that someone is there to ensure their boundaries are protected, that consent is always reversible and there are processes in place for their security, they are free to focus on the work, even if the work is not super comfortable.

creating safer spaces on sets also includes ensuring that everyone involved in the filmmaking process is included. a safer space is about including everyone, and when it comes to making movies and shows, that means cast and crew.

shifting from an arbitrary statement “this is a safe space” to a framework of collaboration and communication focused on joint responsibility makes safety a joint effort.

when everyone is working towards a common goal, the possibilities of success increase greatly.

CONSULTANTS….

telling more authentic stories

how can a consultant help productions tell better, more authentic stories?

storytelling is as old as humanity itself. it has been a part of our drive for creative expression, community building, wisdom and information sharing, spirituality and a way to understand the world around us. whether it’s ancient cave paintings, oral histories, carved on stone or clay, set to msuci, written by hand or printed for mass dissemination, or filmed for the cinema or television, storytelling is a part of what makes us human.

which is why, personally, storytelling is something I am passionate about. and why i think that consultants with lived experience are a necessary part of telling authentic. stories.

consultants tell their stories

including the voices of those people who’s story we’re telling we can create a rich tapestry of experiences, emotions, and nuances that can enhance storytelling in film and television. when we tell stories of marginalised people and exclude those with lived experiences we are not only taking their voices away, most often end up with inauthentic and even potentially harmful versions of those lives and people.

by including consultants in the production process, creators can craft narratives that resonate with authenticity, respect, and complexity. The resulting stories will not only entertain but also educate audiences about the rich and varied lives and experiences of the real people at the centre of these productions.

passing the mic

productions that want to highlight under represented communities like sex workers, disabled people, qtbipoc and many more are starting to pass the mic by including consultants in the production process because consultants can help productions seeking to amplify the voices of those with lived experience and illuminate their realities while challenging negative stereotypes and common tropes often regurgitated by the industry.

when it comes to sex workers, disabled folks and members of the bdsm/kink communities, productions can achieve this by focusing on the resilience and agency of these communities to foster understanding and support.

In doing so, we create more informed dialogues and humanise community members which helps to improve the public perception of these under-represented groups.

some stories don’t need to be told….

if we’re not giving space for those with lived experience to take part in telling their own stories, we probably should not be telling those stories. it’s true. sometimes, we should just leave it to someone else.

But, the right consultant can bring a rich tapestry of experiences, emotions, and nuances that can enhance a project in so many ways.

Like IC’s, consultants help to build spaces and stories where everyone is able to do their best work. a consultant is focused on the story, who is telling it, and how it’s told. in collaboration with the rest of the creative team, this provides productions the opportunity to not only tell stories more authentically, but responsibly.

marginalised voices to the front

film and television has always looked to marginalised voices for their stories but sadly, there is a history of misrepresentation (at best!) or exclusion (at worst) when it comes to the production process. most often, that comes at the expense of both those communities and the projects themselves.

Consultants can not only help tell more authentic stories, but help enhance each project.

what is an intimacy coordinator?

the thing that all intimacy coordinators get asked most:

what is an intimacy coordinator?

It’s a fair question.

IC’s have been around for nearly 20 years, with Tonia Sina's thesis on "Intimate Encounters; Staging Intimacy and Sensuality", 2006 seen as a foundational piece for intimacy coordination. in 2015 the practice was expanded to include film and television.

by 2016 IC’s were starting to be seen on sets. but it’s only after 2017 that studios and unions began including provisions and requirements for ic’s on productions.

so what exactly do we do?

Ic’s have a number of different focuses on any given production. Mostly, we are there to collaborate with performers, directors, and producers, as well as any other relevant departments. the goal is to support the director’s vision, the producer’s needs, other departments, and importantly, the performers, in creating the best scenes possible. while ensuring that the performers boundaries and needs are met at every step of the production process.

How do we do that?

ic’s can support productions and performer in a number of ways. we can work with performers as movement coaches or to choreograph each beat of those spicy scenes if that is how everyone wants to work. If the performers and director feel that working in a more spontaneous way is more conducive to the vision and the story, then we can be there to support the performers and act as a second pair of eyes for the director’s vision.

our roles are very collaborative. we work with each department involved in a production to help create the perfect final product whether it’s a specific set peice or prop, working with wardrobe to find the right modesty gear, or collaborating with stunts for those particularly risky shots. intimacy coordinators often act as liason between departments. no detail is too small, and there are lots of people involved in creating each scene.

Intimacy coordinators are not…

The fun police…

yes, our goal is to ensure the safest possible situations for everyone to do their best work. While we’re collaborating with crew, we’re also tuned into the performers. each IC has their own process, but ensuring that performers are able to voice their boundaries and needs, providing opportunities to build scenes that not only looking spicy as hell but feel as safe as possible, and taking the time to ensure communication is always a 2-way street make up much of our main focus.

This can be complicated and intimacy coordinators often have many things happening at once. But it’s also integral to shaping creative spaces that are most conducive to the process of telling spicy stories.

but we are not there to act as a wet blanket. intimacy coordinating is about creating in the best possible way. not about ruining the fun.

consent is messy

Intimate scenes occupy a very nuanced position within the spectrum of consent and boundaries. It’s almost impossible to create a fully “safe space”— unless one has the power of mind control. we can commit to maintaining a “safer” space by acknowledging that this process can be uncomfortable. it’s not easy to be so exposed with someone who may be a stranger, while potentially dozens of other people are around (this is why we always advocate for closed sets!).

communication becomes vital in these spaces and that can often be difficult. So intimacy coordinators are often looked to as a go-between performers, directors or producers. the inherent power dynamics that exist between each member of the production can interfere with communication and IC’s offer an opportunity to level that imbalance.

when everyone knows that they are able to express their needs or barriers, then they are free to focus on the work.

intimacy coordinators help everyone engage in their best work

whatever story is being told, ic’s are a vital piece of the creative process by supporting collaborating with performers and productions.